By Joan Gill

Let me give you a brief, simple explanation of how grief seems to work. When you first experience your loss, you see the whole world through your grief. As time passes, you begin to understand that although your grief is still there, there are times when you can begin to see your life a little more clearly. As you move through life you are still aware of your loss and, occasionally, memories come flooding back. Again, your world fills with pain. With time, though, the pain becomes softer, more bearable, and it happens less often. This does not mean that you will forget. You will never forget.

The actual grief experience is different for each of us. Everyone grieves in his/her own way at his/her own pace, and it takes as long as it takes. It is extremely personal. There is no right way or wrong way of grieving. The "tasks" and "steps" you hear about are information, not instructions on how you are supposed to do it. The emotions written about may be felt in no specific sequence, they may be felt over and over, they may all be felt at the same time. There is no formula for grieving. I do not believe that would make it any easier, anyway.

This is about surviving and getting some of your power back - the experiences of grieving for your loss. You've made the first big hurdle - you have survived the Holidays! You didn't think you could do it but you did! Possibly, you also got through an anniversary, a birthday, or another special event. Every success feels like a victory -because it is. You can give yourself a big pat on the back; you deserve it. You held your breath, put your head down and plunged ahead - and you are as exhausted as if you had been laboring. So you sit in your favorite chair, and you fall asleep! You never do that, but you can't help it. You're so tired!! And your energy seems to be a bit low lately. Not surprising since grief affects us down to a cellular level and can play havoc with the immune system. I remember feeling so drained that when I sat down, staying awake was too much to ask. At the same time, I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up until January.

You see, this story is my story, too. Possibly, you have been going through something similar - and possible not. Everyone is different. Whatever you are feeling is appropriate. Grieving can become problematic if there is no improvement after a period of 2 - 3 years. At this time, it may benefit you to see a therapist. Hopefully, there will never be another time in your life when you will need to give yourself a break as much as at the present time. Women have a difficult time with this; it's not part of any of their job descriptions. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. Don't expect to be able to do all of the things you have always done. Your energy will come back. It needs time.

I survived the holiday season last year - the first one without my husband, Jim. It was a Herculean feat, but I did it. I thought I was going to have to go through that horrible breath-stealing pain again - you know the kind - but this time I planned for it. My family and I did rituals at Christmas, like lighting candles; little ceremonies; writing messages and tying them to helium-filled balloons and sending them into the heavens. It continues to amaze me how effective rituals are in easing pain. I still do them. I have a small area I've set aside just for Jim. It contains pictures, music, and a big, beautiful new candle older that I keep filled with one new tall taper, and when it burns down I put in one of a different color. Each color means something special, for example, white is for purity and protection, red is for love, green is for prosperity. I learned that if you are careful to seat the candle very straight, it will burn straight down without any spill over. It feels magically comforting to study the flame or to just watch it burn! Try it! It really works!

Midnight on New Year's Eve turned out to be a most difficult time, possibly because I didn't expect it. How could I not have expected it? I have always been sentimental about that particular evening. And at midnight, right on cue, I burst into tears. Nothing wrong with a good cry! Well, I've had several more since then. I don't like to cry, though. Crying is uncomfortable and sometimes it's even painful. It does seem to help me feel better, though.

What really makes me feel better, though, is journaling. I write about my feelings, I write about what I'm doing, what is happening in my life, how I see the progression of my grief, and best of all, I write letters to Jim. What I'm saying to you is, try everything (within reason), write, talk to friends, attend grief groups. I went to several at one time. They were all different and they all helped in some way. Talking is extremely important - you need to talk. There is so much to talk about. After a while, though, you begin to feel uncomfortable about it - so you stop. This is where a grief support group can help you. They are, by their very nature, supportive and helpful. You can join a group that is ongoing or one is six to eight weeks in duration. If you have good friends or family who want to help, tell them what you need. I love to talk about Jim, but these days I do this mostly with family members who enjoy it as much as I do. We talk about some of the things he said and did - both funny and sentimental, and about how we think he would react to certain situations. We still love him as much as we ever did.

Shortly after Jim passed away, a friend recommended that I designate an area in my house just for me. It can be a corner or an entire room. In this space, I should surround myself with pictures, books, anything of importance to me. In this space I would meditate, pray, read, cry, or scream. This was where I would do whatever I needed to do. It was my place to grieve, and going through my grief was vitally important. When I came out on the other side of my grief, there was the promise that, in that place, I would find peace and light - and Jim. Another friend wrote about her experiences and feelings when her young husband became ill with cancer and subsequently passed away. She was left with the responsibility of bringing up three young children. Today, over twenty years later, she is a very strong proponent of the journaling that she credits with being a major tool in getting her through a very dark time of her life.

Joan Gill is a Licensed Professional Counselor. She has a general practice with specialties in grief and bereavement, trauma, depression, anxiety. She is trained in EMDR and Ericksonian hypnosis. Joan is also a life coach. Her practice is in the Galleria area.

Contact her at 713-906-0306 or e-mail me at jwgill@sbcglobal.net.